Summer Self/Other Self

Although it has been a wonderful summer, I have been so disconnected from our blog for so long that I have found it a challenge to find a writing rhythm these days. I thought summer would be the cure for that, with all of the extra, unstructured time, and although I think about writing often, it has been intimidating to actually sit down to write.

So, here I am, the last day of July, which in some ways feels like the last day of summer vacation for me. Nate and I have been updating our August family calendar, and as usual, every single day is filled with one thing or another. This pattern happens every year; August looks deceptively blank, but once we get back from vacation travels and look reality in the face, August is truly a short and full month. August always greets me with a new wave of stress-induced worries and preoccupations, mostly related to beginning a new school year. I want so badly to hang onto my summer self, the me I like so much better, but then reality presses in, and there is no time to argue - instead only appointments to make, prep work to be done, and chores to tackle. Ugh.

I wonder if the changes in me are noticed by others as much as they are by me. As soon as school wraps up, 60 hour work weeks fall away, and the summer stretches before me, it only takes a week for my body to fully register this change: my shoulders creep back down below my ears where they belong, tension knots disappear, fatigue takes over, and an exciting list of summer goals gets written down all ready to be satisfyingly crossed off. It takes longer for my sense of humor to recover itself, but eventually even that part of me makes a come-back. I am better able to be in the moment to enjoy my kids and laugh at even their worst moments. Nate and I get to reconnect, finding things to do together that there wasn't time for during the school year. I feel less intense, less apt to argue, less touchy and overly sensitive and dramatic, more able to find my mellow self. I'm less grumpy, less resentful, more patient and forgiving. It's very clear which me I'd rather hang out with if given a choice, and it seems that others must sense this big contrast in me, too.

So of course the question becomes, how do I preserve this better Emily - this part of me that is so obviously healthier than my other self that I morph into during the school year? How do I keep all the qualities about me, about our summer rhythm, and about the quality of our time sustained as the school year zooms at us? How do I set and maintain boundaries between my home and work life? I don't have answers to these questions, only strong desires to do this year better than last - to find that magic balance.